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Sitting on a swing,
I remember the days of my youth.

The days I spent outside in the summertime,
Laughing and playing,
By myself,
With friends,
It never mattered to me,
I just enjoyed having fun,
Jumping off swings at their apex,
Building sand castles on the beach,
Having tickle wars,
Watching bubbles sparkle in the sunlight,
Not having a care in the world.

Now grown up,
I have more stress,
More worries,
But times like now,
I just enjoy imagining I'm a kid again. 
This was written for :iconauthors-club: 's contest: Cicadas, Coconuts, & Commitments.

Image belongs to :iconmellybaldin: authors-club.deviantart.com/ar…

Edit : The results came in. I lost, but I have no regrets from trying. I still like my poem :)
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:iconamour-raven:
amour-raven Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2014  Student Writer
My dear Taylor, as per request, I will provide you with a bonafide critique. :grin: 

:pointr: Thank you for participating in Authors-Club's annual contest. We were ecstatic to read through your entry, while you did not win it was not due to a lack of vigor, creativity, or originality. Your poem is well written, just missing that certain something that us judges were looking for. 

Now, let me begin: :eager:

As I was reading through the poem I did not feel any particular emotion - it felt like more of a laundry list of what a child does during the summer. I found it to read like a strong foundation with rickety frame work.

Albeit, it is an innocent read and seems as if the narrator's inner child (who is the epicenter of the poem) is reflecting on their naivety. 

Drawing from the image prompt, I imagined more of a focus on the colorful bubble and potential childhood memories. To each his own. 

~~~

I enjoy the focused use of commas and the sparing use of periods. There is an uninterrupted flow to the poem and I FEEL as if I'm floating through the sentences. 

Although, grammatically speaking, the capitalization of the words at the beginning of each line after a comma can be a little distracting.

If you read the poem aloud, it runs on and even at the commas (pauses) I am running out of breath. This may just be me...I could not be reading it as you imagined and I would be at fault.

:bulletred: Let's take this for an example: "The days I spent outside in the summertime / Laughing and playing / By myself / With friends / It never mattered to me..." When you read it to your real or imaginary audience it sounds a little choppy.

~~~

"Days" is used twice in the first three lines, becoming a little redundant. 

"Sitting on a swing / I remember the days of my youth." This stanza creates a nice setting for the rest of the poem.

:bulletgreen: "Jumping off swings at their apex" is one of the strongest lines, in my opinion. I love the imagery it evokes in only six words. 

~~~

"Watching bubbles sparkle in the sunlight..." I was expecting more of a BAM! The image prompt is a bubble so I thought that this line would be the real catch

The last stanza seems a little awkward. Maybe a little change such as, "Now that I've grown up / I'm stressed - more worries..." maybe something like that. :shrug:

:pointr: This poem, like many, has GREAT potential and I believe that with a few tweaks it can be made even more special. I am able to relate to the fun childhood memories and I think that if you are able to capture it more holistically, placing the reader into your shoes then the poem will tug at my heartstrings more! 

You are a very good writer and I look forward to delving into more of your works! Keep up the excellent work, m'dear! :heart:
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:iconspiderlondon:
SpiderLondon Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad you actually enjoyed the poem ^^

The reason you probably saw so many errors could be because I wrote it without thinking so much, I just let my heart take the wheel and write the poem. (That may or may not be the right expression ^^;) My way of writing poems is to just writing my emotion at the time I feel it.

I will just say this, I won't stop having capitals for each first letter of each line due to it being my style of writing. 

Heh, I knew it should have been more about the image but when I saw it this poem is what came to mind because the bubble reminded me what I used to do as a child, so I wrote about how an older person would look at their childhood memories -it's pretty hard for someone in high school or older to remember their childhood but they would, at least, remember small details and thus the memories had to be choppy to represent someone's mind remembering so much that it has to go pretty quickly unlike the adult parts. 

As for repeating words, I have a tendency to do that very often because I'm not very good at thinking of synomyns for each repeating word ^^; I do agree that I should fix that.

I do actually read in front of a real audience at my school's talent show, and I usually get a lot of praise for my poems. I read this one two days ago, along with "Halloween", and most people preferred my halloween poem to this one but I did have someone say that this was their favorite due to how said it and the structure of the poem itself.

I'm very sorry if I made any mistakes here, I am tired and my mind doesn't like to work after the SAT.
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:iconamour-raven:
amour-raven Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2014  Student Writer
OH, the Dreaded SAT. I remember that with too much clarity. :yuck: 

I love this poem and every point that you raise is well met. I understand completely when it comes to letting your heart take the wheel, especially in poetry. This is also what I love about poems - it can be read by different people in new ways!

As far as the repetition goes, I find that having a thesaurus handy is really helpful. 

How do you think you did on the SAT!?!
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:iconspiderlondon:
SpiderLondon Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
SAT is annoying but it's a necessary evil.

Heh, I'm glad you love this poem ^^ I agree, the heart is the... uh... heart of the poem... Wow, that sounds really bad but also very funny :D That's also the reason why I never notice any mistakes, I don't actually read what I am writing I just continue writing.

I am not at all surprised you said that a thesaurus.

Eh, I wanna say I did well due to it being relatively easy but I know that if I do then I will actually see that I did terrible. So, I don't really know
Reply
:iconamour-raven:
amour-raven Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2014  Student Writer
Haha...that's some really complicated and confusing logic or maybe it's my groggy brain! :yawn:
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:iconspiderlondon:
SpiderLondon Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
The latter.
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:iconamour-raven:
amour-raven Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2014  Student Writer
touché, m'dear. Dummy Love 
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:iconspiderlondon:
SpiderLondon Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
^^
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2014  Student Writer
Good luck with the contest~!
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:iconspiderlondon:
SpiderLondon Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks ^^
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2014  Student Writer
:nod:
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:icondragonschest:
DragonsChest Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2014  Professional Writer
I think back on the fun things in my childhood too... 
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:iconspiderlondon:
SpiderLondon Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Who wouldn't? :)
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:icondonpatchlight:
DonPatchLight Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Pfft, I am jealous of this summer! My summers pretty much consisted of me by myself or sleeping until I met people like you who were willing to talk to me oTL 
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:iconspiderlondon:
SpiderLondon Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Same xD I pretty much wrote about what children usually did during the summertime
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:icondonpatchlight:
DonPatchLight Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2014  Student Digital Artist
You do a lot of "studying" kids to figure out? >.> //slapped// jk jk xD
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:iconspiderlondon:
SpiderLondon Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Bad, Light, bad.
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:icondonpatchlight:
DonPatchLight Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2014  Student Digital Artist
and for that I am super thankful to be your buddy Rue Grin 
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:iconspiderlondon:
SpiderLondon Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
>.> You had better be
Reply
:icondonpatchlight:
DonPatchLight Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2014  Student Digital Artist
I am I am! *squish hugs*
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:iconspiderlondon:
SpiderLondon Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:tighthug:
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